y dear Lord, when will My eyes be beautified by filling with tears that constantly glide down as I chant Your holy name? When will My voice falter and all the hairs on My body stand erect in transcendental happiness as I chant Your holy name?

Sri Siksastakam Verse Six
Reflections, by Sesa Dasa

I never asked her why she did it. Nobody did. It was one of those things the family just didn’t talk about. Although she was born and raised in a devout Protestant family, in her early 20's my aunt converted to Catholicism.

Why? Perhaps it was the personal tragedy of losing the baby she carried in her womb. But, the why still persists. Certainly she received the sympathy and religious comfort of her family during her time of crisis. Perhaps that crisis inspired her to seek, even demand, more from her faith.

Of all the family members the burden of breaking this silence, of asking why, most pointedly falls to me because I too converted. I joined the Hare Krishna Movement. The family never really inquired from me either. Maybe that was good because I can't honestly say that at the time of my conversion I knew exactly why I was doing it. I only knew the time was right and I was compelled to act. My conversion wasn't born of personal strife, but I was definitely searching for a more meaningful existence.

Although the reaction of my family to the religious conversions in its midst may have been one of surprised silence, religious conversion is not something so unique. History is replete with the conversion of kings and common men, and the consequent effects on civilizations and ways of life.

Religious scholars, sociologists, and psychologist have postulated various theories to explain religious conversion including social and cultural influences (i.e. gimme shelter), individualism (i.e. I gotta do what I gotta do), assimilation (i.e. can I hang with you guys), institutional (i.e. they told me to do it), and political influences (i.e. might makes right).

However, when I try to understand the why of my aunt's conversion, or even my own conversion, such theories remain simply theories. Both my aunt and I had good family, society, friendship, and love. Still we were wanting. These theories may be intellectually sound, but they don't touch the heart, and my personal experience has taught me that touching the heart is the essential component of religious conversion.

Psychologist William James, one of the earliest modern scholars to study religious conversion, shows some understanding of what is a more meaningful existence in his 1902 book, The Varieties of Religious Experience. Describing the experience of religious conversion He writes, "to be converted, to be regenerated to receive grace, to experience religion, to gain an assurance, are so many phrases which denote the process, gradual or sudden, by which a self hitherto divided, and consciously wrong, inferior, and unhappy, becomes united and consciously right, superior, and happy, in consequence of its firmer hold upon religious realities."

Fulfillment, religious conversion is about spiritual fulfillment. The special thing about spiritual fulfillment is that it can be achieved from a place of emptiness as in the case of my aunt, as well as from a place relative fullness as in my case.

Super-mundane emotional fulfillment, this is the special gift of Lord Caitanya as described in this sixth verse of Sri Sri Siksastaka.

"O my Lord, when will my eyes be decorated with tears of love flowing constantly when I chant Your holy name? When will my voice choke up, and when will the hairs of my body stand on end at the recitation of Your name?"

Everyone is anxious emotional fulfillment. Look at Prince Charles, he has had everything a man could want, except for the emotional fulfillment he now seeks by wedding Camilla. Unfortunately, that relationship, as is true for all relationships in this mundane world, will come to an end. But Lord Caitanya is offering emotional fulfillment that will never end. Fulfillment of the soul in relation to the God.

Although, all religions conceive that all living beings are eternally connected with God, exactly how to realize that fact, to live that fact, is not always clearly and succinctly stated. In the first five verses of the Sri Sri Siksastaka Lord Caitanya clearly and succinctly explains how to realize our relationship with God. This sixth verse describes the fruit of the process. This fruit is the more meaningful existence I was looking for.

Wanting more, needing more is not the detriment of the soul. Rather, it is an indication of our eternal relationship with God. As described in the Isopanisad, God is purnam, complete by nature, while the living beings are incomplete. Living beings must find their completeness by linking with the complete. This is spiritual fulfillment, and the height of this spiritual fulfillment, our personal relationship with God, is expressed in the emotional outpouring described by Lord Caitanya in this sixth verse of Sri Sri Siksastaka.

It has been thirty plus years since my conversion and I have much to do in developing my relationship with God, yet I can say I no longer am plagued by the why of my decision. Perhaps its time for me to break the family silence and talk to my aunt. We probably have many common experiences to share. Maybe we can even heal some family wounds and bring everyone a little closer to love of God.