y dear Lord, I am Your eternal servant, but somehow or other I have fallen into the ocean of this material world. Kindly pick me up and fix me as a speck of dust at Your lotus feet.

Sri Siksastakam Verse Five
Reflections, by Laxmimoni Dasi

Just before leaving for Vrndaban I received a letter … Will you write something on the fifth verse of Siksastakam? My reply: “I guess. It will give me something to meditate on while I’m in Vrndaban.” And the reply I received: “Great! That is just what we are looking for.” So by the mercy of that Vaishnava, Kesava, while in Vrndaban the words ayi nanda tanuja kinkaram resounded again and again in my ears. Walking thought the alleyways and streets of the Holy Dhama, the words of Lord Caitanya echoed and I myself began to call out… “O Krishna, Son of Nanda Maharaja help me!!! I want to be your servant.”

I thought of the Sad Goswami Astakam,…“He Radhe Vraja Devike… He Nanda Suno Kutah. Where are you? Oh son of Devaki, Son of Nanda Maharaja, where are You? Such strong feelings of longing, of looking for Krishna everywhere, are the ticket with which a devotee purchases Krishna .

Like a small child left alone in a strange place suddenly feels painfully deserted … looking around the child begins to cry, mother, father where are you? I am alone, unprotected, afraid. I know no one but you. You are my only shelter. And in that helpless condition the parent feels the love and dependence of the child. It is painful until they are reunited to again feel the joy of loving union.

Trying to imagine Lord Caitanya’s feelings of separation is far beyond my level of spiritual realisation but somehow this calling out, this cry of “ayi nanda tanuja kinkaram.” Oh son of Nanda Maharaja, I am your eternal servant, resonates with my feelings of vulnerability and gives me some solace to continue hoping that Krishna will answer this cry from one of His small children.

It is interesting how Mahaprabhu prays, “somehow or other I have fallen” ….”let us not consider how we got here,” Srila Prabhupada would say…”the real question is how can we get out of here.” How can we remove the forgetfulness that keeps us in this dream bound by the illusion that we are experiencing real life?

As I walk through the streets of Vrndaban, hearing the bells ringing for the evening arotik, or seeing the devotees walking quickly to the temples, each decorated with a telok mark and their hand in a bead bag, looking at the cows, the pigs, the Radhe Radhe rickshaw drivers… I again begin to call, “ayi nanda tanuja kinkaram,” please help me to see Vrndaban … to understand that I am in a nescient stupor. Kept in a daze by dulled and mundane senses I want to again experience my true relationship with my Lord Krishna and I can only do it with His mercy. I am drowning, in computers, and e mails, business and material worries, misconceptions of who I am and what I want, fear of death and fear of life.

“Ayi nanda tanuja kinkaram!” Please pick me up and place me … not a random happening but a deliberate act of loving mercy. Gently, with your lotus petal hands, pick up this fallen and pathetic soul and gently place me, a small speck of dust, somewhere at Your infinite lotus feet. Because Your Lotus Feet provide unlimited shelter for countless souls I have firm faith that I too will fit within the shelter of those feet, happy to be a tiny speck of dust.

Lord Caitanya wrote very little. He left us only eight verses. With each one He moves us from sraddha (faith) closer to prema (love of God). This sloka, the Acaryas say, describes nistha (firm faith, conviction). By Srila Prabhupada’s mercy we can experience firm faith that Krishna is our refuge and protector. If we cry out “ayi nanda tanuja kinkaram,” we can feel confidence that someday we will be comfortably protected as a tiny speck of dust situated near the radiant toenails of the Supreme Lord, Sri Krishna.

Srila Prabhupada gave us the formula, at least 16 rounds of Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare, Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, avoid sinful life, hear the Sastra every day, share Krishna with others, work together to bring all the particles of spiritual dust to the soft, pink lotus Feet of Lord Sri Krishna and His pure devotee, Srila Prabhupada. Ultimately always remember Krishna and never forget Him.